Driving in India

Here is a hillarious mail I received!!!

Driving in India

Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting
India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for
survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar,
where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules
broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the
results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive
on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you
start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go
to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the
next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain
the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and
occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their
vehicles in the intended direction.Don't you get discouraged or underestimate
yourself except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not
in any better position.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross
the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.
Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is
moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in
town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill
of the dead. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some
countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust
(two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the
bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read
them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or
waiting for the rainwaters to recede when overground traffic meets
underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored
lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated
bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck
speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a
rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external
combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.
This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers
three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After
careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into
these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact
with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the
microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles
on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral
children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute
to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the
film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like
an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride,
the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather
drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often
"mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and
during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers
hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the
overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of
surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of
passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a
width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in
their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and
proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms,it means that you cannot proceed
in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout,
if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a
positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been
prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound,
incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy
identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for
year-end accounting. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating
experience (for those with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a
way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst
the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon
turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just
pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your
lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the
driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the
last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a
naught.

Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill.
Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet
above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching
you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right
one, but never get too close to investigate. You may
prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night,on
the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that
the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent
signals; they are the greater threat). Only, you will often observe that
the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave
hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a
left turn. The waving is just an statement of physical relief on a hot
day. If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your
lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and - The
citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our
constitution. Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate
and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other
countries!!??